Silence

We watched Louder Than A Bomb, an inspiring documentary about a high school slam poetry competition, in English II today, so I have been in a rhyming mood all day. Last night we finished studying Colossians, bringing our Tuesday night meetings to an end, for now. While the students wrote about the documentary, I took the time to reflect upon our Colossians study and to have some fun pretending to be a slam poet.  

Silence

We’re coming to an end, but this is only the beginning. I’m supposed to be running the race with you, but right now I can’t even think about winning. I feel like I should have said something, but my heart didn’t beat any faster. And I can’t help but feeling that rolling with me will only bring you disaster.

Pause. They say sometimes silence speaks louder than words. But sometimes staying silent is just, well, absurd. If I could just speak what I write I would want to be heard. I want to speak life, speak truth, and speak freely, knowing my words come from The Word.

How can my words be seasoned with salt when I’ve just been spitting salt in my wounds? If my head wasn’t filled with all these clichés, maybe I’d be singing a different tune. The melodic refrain of pain that rocks my brain and leaves me drained contrasts with the bass of grace that takes my place and keeps me sane.

Pause. When silence tells my heart to speak, speak. In this race, we have to stand up when we’re weak. And speak. And when silence remains silent, stop, listen, and seek. Sit down when you feel the need to shout, because He says, “Blessed are the meek.” I say these words to myself when I am weak and need to link arms to face the Navy Seal waves with you. May His Words be the words we seek and give us courage to stay silent and speak.

Love,

Lynn

Good Things

Two years ago I freaked out and was hospitalized for eleven days, where I freaked out some more. As I started getting better, I became obsessed with trying to figure out what my freaky thoughts meant. That persisted on and off until just now, sitting here eating my lunch, playing Scrabble on my phone, and thinking about my work day, I realized that it doesn't matter. Those thoughts led me toward chaos and hell. Why relive that again over and over in my mind?

No, what I should relive over and over and over in my mind are those thoughts that are good, pure, lovely, happy, funny, true, freeing, hopeful, pure. "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."  -- Philippians 4:8, ESV

In Romans 12, Paul also directs us to "be transformed by the renewal of [our] minds." Think good things and allow God to pour goodness into our lives.

At work we've been consistently sharing "Good Things" at the beginning of all of our meetings. Although not every meeting is as riveting as my trips to the dentist, I leave each meeting feeling better than I did before we implemented "Good Things." Good begets good. Complaining stifles. It spreads like wildfire, but it stifles hope.

I need to hope.

I prefer to hope in what is good.
I long to trust in God's goodness.
I hope for you to seek the same.

Love,
Lynn

Vespers

I am thankful for this day of rest and that I took time to read and digest every sacred pause.  I am thankful that Jade had fun yesterday and is happy today.  I am thankful for her laughter and her smile and her random decent into silliness and giggles.  I am thankful for the way she looks at Leo, with adoration, love, and gratitude.  I am thankful for my family, all my family.  I am thankful that I am welcomed into Leo's family with such loving arms.  I am thankful for all that we have been given and the grace with which we get to greet each new day.

7

The Great Silence:  Psalm 23

My cup overflows.  My cup overflows.  If there is one idea I would like to impart about being a Christian, it is this - my cup overflows.  

These two books pictured have been a huge inspiration to me the past week.  I shared many of the stories and ideas from 7 with Leo, and the biggest inspiration was him asking, "When do we start?" I'm not sure he fully realizes what we're getting into, but here we go! In the spirit of Jen Hatmaker, full disclosure of my selfish side:  I totally tailored our schedule around The Texans, school, and the holidays.  I'm just setting us up for success because God doesn't want us to fail, right? Here's the plan:

0.  July 21 - Aug 20:  Stress (Follow the Seven Sacred Pauses)
1.  Aug 20 - Sep 19:  Possessions (Give away 7 possessions each day)
2.  Sep 19 - Oct 19:  Waste (Employ 7 green habits)
3.  Oct 19 - Nov 18:  Spending (Shop at only 7 stores)
4.  Nov 18 - Dec 18:  Stress (Follow the Seven Sacred Pauses)
5.  Dec 18 - Jan 14:  Clothes (Wear only 7 articles of clothing and/or wear an article of clothing representing a particular country or region and pray for a different country or region each week)
6.  Jan 14 - Feb 13:  Food (Choose 7 foods and eat only those foods)
7.  Feb 13 (Ash Wednesday) - March 31 (Easter):  Media (Yes, I waited until after football season.  This one is going to be hard enough as it is. 

And now it is time for The Night Watch:  Psalm 42

My soul thirsts for God.  My soul thirsts for God.  I am the woman at the well.  I am washing Jesus's feet.  I keep myself hidden until I finally pour out my soul to God.  I will never forget my tears.  In fact, I will praise Him for them.  Although I wage war against this depression day after day, I will hope in the Lord always.  He shows me The Way.

 "And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course."  -- Khalil Gibran, The Prophet   

Imagine

I am afraid for the loss of imagination. I was a very imaginative kid, and I think Jade is pretty imaginative too. But in general, life seems so much busier now. I spent hours of my youth devising stories and acting them out. Where are the free hours for kids to do that now? Maybe things always seem better from your own generation.

The first day Jade was back from her big trip and we met up with her at the R.V. park in Austin, I dangled my feet in the water while Jade swam and talked to me. I will always relish that moment. She started naming off dozens of visions she saw in the clouds, and I strained to make them out. In that moment, I was so thankful that she had wandered around the nation's west with my parents for five weeks. I was a little jealous too. It's time to reclaim our imaginations. They make life so much more vivid, and I believe they draw us closer to the most imaginative One of all.

The Fear of Two

I had this feeling today. It was this same feeling I had about Jade turning two. For some reason, that became the magical age in my head when I had to have everything in my life resolved. I thought that by the time Jade could talk and assert some autonomy, I had to transform into this perfect mom-superwoman that I had in my head. That imaginary deadline loomed over me and caused me unnecessary anxiety. Two came and went faster than I could have ever imagined, and now it seems like a lifetime ago.

Now Jade is about to start middle school. The fear of two quickly turned into a fear of thirteen, the beginning of the dreaded teenage years, which is, incidentally, two years away. The anxiety, the fear, looms again. After she was gone for five weeks on an epic R.V. adventure with Grandma and Grandpa, she came back looking so much older, so much more mature. Now I feel like I want to stop time again, and capture everything. And I want to be wiser and stronger and smarter for her.

The words from tonight's sermon resonate: "O you of little faith. Why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:31) When we call upon the Lord's name, we are immediately saved from our fears. I have not achieved supermom status; I stumble and screw up every day. But I have been saved from my fears, over and over again. Even with such little faith. Even with so much doubt. He reached out his hand, brought me to safety, and filled me with grace every time I called for Him.

Today

Today I will not stress. I will not look at myself and say I am too fat or look for the next thing that would make my life better. I will not look upon my past with shame or regret the decisions I have made. I will stop trying to be perfect or dwelling on what I don’t have. I will not close myself off because I lack knowledge, courage, or trust. I will not worry about what I am going to eat, or what I am going to wear, or what others are going to think. Today depression will not win; I will not wallow in my sin.

Today I will thank God for every single blessing in my life. I will close the magazine, turn off the TV, shut down the computer, and look to Him to make me better. According to their standards, I will never be enough. According to His, I already am. I will sit down with Him, and I will remember. As I reflect on where I have been, I will allow His Grace to wash over me. He will clean my heart, and it will embrace all that is love. I will not fear because He will guard my heart. Before I eat, I will consume His Words. When I thirst, I will “drink deeply” of His Love. Like a warrior, I will take up a battle cry against my greatest enemies – my own self-deprecating thoughts. I will grow in confidence through His Truth that He speaks to me. I will listen, and I will humbly fall at his knees with a heart full of contrition. Today my Lord, my God, will make me happy and whole, and I will bless His Holy Name.